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Everybody’s got a friend that talks too loud
and if you don’t think you do I’m afraid it’s you.
when you speak my ear’s get sore
You could hold a conversation through a bank vault door.
You talk like a jet engine in flight. you’d be asked to keep it down on a building site.
turn my chainsaw on for a little respite
you scare pets even more than Bon fire night.
when you try to a whisper it’s like you’re screaming at the top of your lungs.
and that’s just when you’re sober it’s even worse when you get drunk
oh use your inside voice I’m begging - everyone in this room is staring. Please stop loudly over sharing - they could hear you talking on the moon.
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2. |
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Two teachers at every school are having an affair
Think they’re being subtle but everyone’s aware
One coaches PE the other teaches Geography
But when they get together it’s a 100% pure chemistry…
Cas They’re moulding minds and making love.. next to a pile of
creased smart casual workwear.
Why do you think they volunteered for the book fair.
holding hands sat in two small chairs
It’s tough being the talk of the lunch queue
Hope those stains on your trousers are PVA Glue
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3. |
internet business guru
01:06
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Internet business guru - tell me what do you actually do..
Waking at 5am and you go to Dubai but does your company sell something I can actually buy.
It doesn’t seem like it. Is there a shop? Or a website or something? Seriously how did you get all those watches?
Write a quote on your white board then you go to the gym -shoot your videos in open plan offices that nobody’s in.
I can see that you’ve got lots of watches - but your company repose doesn’t show any profits.
I’m not signing to no online course - just because you’re drinking Huel and wearing cargo shorts.
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4. |
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I don’t know your name.
I know that’s bad I’m ashamed.
But before I could ask
Too much time had passed.
We go for afterwork drinks and they’re great.
But I’m afraid the entire time I’ve been calling you mate.
If I had to guess I’d say it began with a T.
But honestly I’ve got no idea what it could be.
Is it Terry?
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Matty Hutson London, UK
Matty Hutson is a musical comedian, and music producer from Warrington. A regular in comedy competition finals at the start
of his career, he now works in comedy clubs all over the UK and has appeared on Radio 4’s The Now Show.
'I need to hear a whole album of this genius'
Shaun Keaveny, Radio DJ
... more
